


beautiful life

by thunderylee



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Implied Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24810415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: For a while earlier this year, Tegoshi was only okay when other people were around.
Kudos: 3





	beautiful life

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to shinee's jonghyun. backdated.

For as attached to his phone as he is, Tegoshi doesn't hear the news until Massu nearly bangs down his door a few hours after the sun sets Monday night. 

"SHINee's Jonghyun took his life today," Massu greets him, face hard but eyes soft. 

Tegoshi blinks at him. He's ashamed to admit that he's relieved it wasn't bad news about one of _them_ , then realizes which one of them it could have been and why Massu had driven all the way over here instead of messaging or calling or even waiting until tomorrow to mention it. 

"I-I don't know what to say," Tegoshi stutters. "I didn't know him." 

Massu throws his arms around him. Tegoshi's front door isn't even all the way closed, Emma yipping at their feet like she's more concerned about Massu ignoring her than sneaking outside. Tegoshi wants to reach for her, but Massu's too strong and refuses to let him go. For as weird as Massu is about touching, he can be awfully persistent when he wants to be, and Tegoshi tries not to think about the last time Massu held him this tightly. 

"Hey, I'm okay," he insists, but his voice betrays him. He's clinging to Massu's shoulder blades, soaking up the strength like a sponge, and he smiles despite himself, despite the solemn mood and horrible news that had brought Massu here to begin with. 

Because it's too close. Because for a while earlier this year, Tegoshi was only okay when other people were around. 

He never let it get too bad. He reached out when he felt it start to head that way. Koyama went to see him in the middle of the night, Shige talked to him for hours, and Massu hugged him like he could squeeze the sad out if he tried hard enough. He couldn't, but if anyone could, it would be him. 

Tegoshi is better now, at least as better as someone in recovery can be. He has his emotional support puppy, unconditional love from friends and family, and a professional therapy team—all because he spoke up. If he hadn't said anything, kept pretending everything was fine when it wasn't, it might have been his name all over the news tonight. 

His phone rings and Massu gives him about half of an inch to dig it out of his pocket. "Hello?" 

"Is someone with you?" Shige demands, his voice accompanied by the all-too-familiar sound of Koyama sobbing. 

"Yes. Massu is here." Tegoshi's blood runs cold. "What's wrong with Kei-chan?" 

"He's sad," Shige reports, and Tegoshi calms down. "He met Jonghyun once. And he's worried about you." 

"Yuuya, I love you!" Koyama wails, and it would be comical if it didn't bring back uncomfortable memories of this past summer. 

"Massu is here," Tegoshi repeats. "He hasn't let go of me since he walked in the door." 

"Good," Shige says. "I'm going to address this on my radio show. It's happening way too often to ignore. I won't mention your name, of course, but if it's okay with you I'd like to talk about my own experience and offer some suggestions for anyone who might be feeling similarly, or knows someone who is." 

"Tell me when it airs so I won't listen," Tegoshi agrees. 

"Don't go looking for articles about Jonghyun either," Shige says firmly. "They go into detail about how he did it, and..." 

"Yeah," Tegoshi agrees, hearing the rest of the sentence clear in his head: _And we don't need you getting any ideas_. "Are you coming over too?" 

"No," Shige says. "You both mourn too differently." 

Tegoshi takes that to mean that Koyama wants to talk about it while Tegoshi most definitely does not. "Tell Kei-chan I love him." 

Shige relays the message, then, "Hey, I love you too, you know." 

"It's weird when you say it." 

Massu finally pulls back when Tegoshi hangs up, but only to hold out his hand for the phone. Tegoshi doesn't bother to argue—this isn't his first rodeo. They're only protecting him, and the Internet is not a safe place right now. It's been a long time since his psychology classes, but he remembers that suicidal feelings feed on other suicidal feelings. He also remembers from personal experience. 

"Are you sleeping over?" Tegoshi asks Massu, who hasn't said a word since barging in and accosting him. "My spare futon's at my mom's, but I can set up the couch for you." 

"Yuuya," Massu says, earning Tegoshi's attention by how shaky his voice is and the fact that he's willingly using Tegoshi's given name. "I can't go through this again." 

"I know," Tegoshi tells him. "It's not gonna happen again, I promise." 

"I mean." Massu takes a deep breath, like he's calming himself enough to speak, and Tegoshi lets him take his time. "My sister is a big SHINee fan. She's devastated. She never messages me, but she messaged me tonight." 

"You should go be with her," Tegoshi says. "I'm fine, honestly." 

Massu shakes his head. "She's with her friends, and I can't handle crying girls. Well, besides you." 

Tegoshi sticks out his tongue and Massu offers half a smile. He must really be affected by this—Tegoshi doesn't think he's seen Massu go this long without smiling since Yamapi and Ryo left the group. 

"I mean it has to stop," Massu finishes his thought from before. "Not just you—everyone. No more suicides. No more funerals and tributes and posting the hotline number on social media. Every time someone dies by their own hand, the entire world cries for them. My heart _hurts_ , Yuuya." 

"Mine too," Tegoshi admits. "What can we do about it though?" 

Massu stares at him so long that Tegoshi's about to demand that he talk already, then there's a hand grabbing his. "I think you should come out." 

"I keep telling you all, I'm _not gay_ ," Tegoshi insists. "If anyone's coming out in this group, it's Shige." 

"Not that kind of coming out," Massu says with an eyeroll. At least he's not super serious anymore; that was starting to creep Tegoshi out. "I think you should talk about your depression and everything you went through this year. Take a stand as someone currently fighting the same demons that have gotten the best of so many beautiful people. Start a conversation about mental health that isn't in response to someone taking their life." 

"I can't talk about it without reliving it," Tegoshi says, and it feels like an excuse. "I've already said more than I should. I keep getting reprimanded—" 

" _Fuck_ management," Massu spits out, the uncharacteristic swear making Tegoshi's eyebrows rise into his hairline. "This is your _life_. Your flesh and blood and tears that I never want to see again. Don't get too graphic, in case you trigger someone with similar feelings, but don't sugarcoat it either. You can start by owning your diagnosis." 

"Shall I start introducing myself as NEWS' Tegoshi with major depressive disorder?" Tegoshi asks sarcastically. "Nobody wants to hear about that." 

"Maybe not," Massu agrees, "but they _need_ to. They need to know that this can affect _everyone_ , even someone perfect like you. Speak for those who cannot speak for themselves!" 

"What if I can't speak for myself either?" Tegoshi challenges. "What if talking about it takes me back to those dark days?" 

" _Not_ talking about it is worse," Massu says stubbornly. 

"Says you, who doesn't know a damn thing about it." Now Tegoshi's mad. "Don't come here and demand something like this of me when a tragedy happens. Let Shige be the advocate. I just want to live." 

Massu's eyes soften, and an honest-to-god smile graces his face. "It makes me so happy to hear you say that." 

"I just want to live," Tegoshi repeats, feeling in his veins how far he's come already. "Because others didn't, I have to live for them too." 

"Right," Massu says, and Tegoshi's anger is completely gone. 

"I still have a long way to go," Tegoshi admits, flopping down on his couch because standing while having feelings is exhausting. Emma happily jumps on his lap. "I might never be cured." 

"And that's okay," Massu tells him firmly, taking the seat next to him. Only their thighs touch, but Tegoshi can still feel his warmth. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"I'm gonna kick you out eventually," Tegoshi teases, and Massu gives him a knowing look. "Thanks." 

"I've spent the past fifteen years with you," Massu says. "May as well stick around to see what happens next." 

"Whatever it is, it'll be _amazing_ ," Tegoshi promises. 

"I would expect nothing less from you." 

The couch stays unmade. 


End file.
